Whether you are looking for love or have been married for years you know love is all about time not timing. A common misconception about love is that the timing needs to be right. How many times have you heard a person, “oh they were the right person at the wrong time”? But love doesn’t have a watch and there is never a wrong time to love. Love can make bad times good and good times even better. Time can fly by if there’s love in it an drag on if there’s not.
Love & time vs timing is one of the most basic yet complicated concepts to grasp. I am an extreme advocate for love is about time not the timing. As a matter of fact to me there is no grey area in the two concepts. One concept, that I disagree with although it has it merits, is that love is about timing. The person wasn’t in a good space, you weren’t in a good space, They aren’t ready, I’m not ready, they had someone, you had someone, they are focusing on other things, you need to focus on other things, their life is a wreck or my life is a wreck and I need to fix these things first. I mean the list goes on and yes those are all valid reasons not to invest or stop investing time into a relationship. But then it also means you weren’t deeply in love. This time vs. timing isn’t new in relationship debates.
Here are two insightful articles to support both positions. A great article in Psychology Today by Aaron Ben-Zeév Ph.D. called “Timing Is Not Everything” essentially describes the value in love is the time you put into it. Whereas timing is based around luck or chance, with no control over it. In another article by Lauren Skirvin titled “Why Timing Really Is Everything When It Comes To The Pursuit Of Love“, I’ll sum it up by saying she says look for the green lights before you pursue a person rather than waiting till it’s too late. The person isn’t ready becasue the timing was off.
My position is that love changes time, it doesn’t run on time. Making love about timing gives the impression you can control it, and you can’t. You can control the time you put into love, you can’t control the results especially if you didn’t start off with your Love List checked off. What love can do is enhance and improve time. Or it can make time move as slow as a snail, going uphill, backwards with salt on it. No matter what situation you are in or what challenges you face, love can drastically improve your ability to navigate through those challenges. If life isn’t going so good, love can make it better. If you are doing good in life with no worries love can make your life great. Let’s not get carried away with it though, they have to be quality people worthy of your time (check out our post about finding who to love). And adversely, it can break down even the strongest of people leaving a trail of wreckage behind.
Let’s take a step back. Love itself doesn’t happen overnight or in an instant, it is a long process. The spark happens in an instant and suddenly you feel connected. That one moment when you see or feel something that you haven’t felt before. Or the feeling the light just went on or something just went ding and you’re like whoa. Identifying that can be tough sometimes, is it attraction, is it a crush, is it lust etc, but there is a spark. The next thing you do is choose whether you want to invest your time, which is your most valuable resource, into finding out what those feelings really are. There is no perfect science to identifying initially what it is you feel because when you fall in love, you feel all of those emotions, attraction, crush, lust, and connected.
My position is that you can’t control when cupid decides to shoot you with an arrow, you can only control what you do after you get hit. Simple task, find 10 people that you think are in love and ask them if they planned on falling in love or if it just happened. Out of 1100 responses to that question, 83% of respondents said it just happened. Loves just happens. A common question I get is, what if they aren’t in a good place, what if they this or that, my response is always, we should all always be trying to improve and become better people. So we are all in a process. Go through your love list and see if they are worth investing your time into.
In one of my favorite movies, The Pursuit Of Happiness, Jaden Smith’s character talks about a guy drowning and God sends a boat to save him. The guy says no I’m good God will save me. He’s still drowning and another boat comes along and tries to save him and he says, no thanks God will save me. They guy drowns. He then goes to heaven and says God why didn’t you save me, and God replies, “I sent you two boats ya dummy”! I love it. I think we only have a few chances, maybe, to be deeply in love. Take advantage of the opportunity when it comes, because true love may not come around again, especially when you want it to. And you certainly don’t want to look back and have someone say, “I sent you two boats ya dummy!”