Ladies and Gentlemen we certainly need to start here. Identifying either who you are as a man or what you want for a man. This is one of the most, if not the most, popular topics we receive on a consistent basis. For the purpose of making this a relatively light post, I will break down the categories of men into 3 areas, boys, men, and gentlemen. These categories have nothing to do with what your age is, it has to do with what kind of a person you are, want, or want to become.
The number one email we receive is how do I find the right man, hands down. We get that email so often I have a prewritten email I can just copy and paste, and the first line is always the same: KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR! So as an observation, if the man you are dating wasn’t a gentleman when you started dating, how can you complain because he didn’t end up becoming one? Yes all men need training, to be educated, or they just figure out that they want to become gentlemen or not. Some like to be boys, immature, selfish and dependent. Some just like to be men, a little more mature, less selfish and more independent. And then you have a gentlemen who understands his role, appreciates his role and takes pride in being a gentleman.
Rather than going to far into the bushes on this, think of it as a quiz. There are 10 must have non negotiable characteristics in being a gentlemen. If you are a woman, read the list and ask yourself how many characteristics you would like your partner to have. If you are a man see how many characteristics you possess and maybe see how you need to improve.
As always we’d love to hear your feedback so share, like, and leave a comment or other ideas below.
Think of this as a quiz. At the end how many out of 10 characteristics did you or your partner possess and grade it just like you were in high school.
1 He takes care of his physical appearance & style.
- No matter what occupation, position in life, financial status, a true gentleman is always dressed for success. There is no time off from excellence which is reflected in the way he dresses, but also in his attitude. He has created a personal style that isn’t just dictated by fashion trends. His sense of personal care is not only reflected in his appearance and style, but the appearance and style of his children if he has them. My grandmother used to say, you can be broke but you don’t have to be dirty. This isn’t about dressing in expensive clothes this is about knowing you are valuable and making your appearance reflect that value.
2 He’s considerate.
- True consideration from the heart is an extremely valuable asset in a person. This isn’t about a guy trying to make a good impression and holding the door for you while you’re on you’re first date. This is a personality trait. Does he hold the door for others, or just ladies? Does he allow other people to cut in line if they have just a few items at the grocery store. Consideration is about accommodating others in matters both big and small.
3 He understands that his life is about service to others, not serving himself.
- This goes beyond being polite and considerate which are both traits we need have harmony in society. But to understand that everyone in life has a capacity, and in whatever capacity you have, you can share it with others that don’t share the same capacity you have. I’m not talking about every time you see someone outside the grocery store with a hand out giving them money. I’m talking about doing your part to make sure your family is good, and then making sure those around you are getting to a better place in life as well. He understands that doing service and helping others is a humbling experience and does it because it’s the right thing to do not for the adoration of others.
4 He’s chivalrous..
- His approach to women is an mixture of respect, adoration, and cherishing amusement. He will hold doors for her, acknowledges her with pleasantries on her approach, rise if she approaches when he is sitting, takes her coat, offers to seat her, pushes in her chair as she sits. A gentlemen rises to the occasion of a woman entering a room rather than sitting down barely acknowledging her presence. Although this may seem old-fashioned and unnecessary at first (and many do say so) women as well as men enjoy it when it is done consistently.
5 He has done, and is doing, his work.
- A gentleman works diligently and consistently to improve himself in all ways, and to continually remove the limits on his degrees of freedom in all aspects of life: physical, mental, emotional, financial, sexual, social, spiritual. In this endeavor he is not ashamed to consult experts, enlist aid, invest time and energy and money, and ask for help. Because of the dedication to self improvement you can almost always be seen to be: athletic or working at some physical pursuit, self-aware and introspective, emotionally mature, mentally sharp, knowledgeable and worldly (not in possessions), calm and steady, in control of his financial situation, present and aware, a competent-to-exceptional lover, with both breadth and depth of friendships and relationships, and with a deeper metaphysical perspective on life, the Universe, and everything. Such Qualities are greatly to be desired in a friend, lover, partner, father, husband, and son, and consequently.
6 He is in demand.
- “If you need something done, ask a busy person to do it.” A gentleman has a pace like no other as a result of not only the ability to get work done, but the quality in which he does it. It may seem like he doesn’t get to winded and at times may seem like he’s super human because he just keeps going. No matter what walk of life this gentleman is in, whether it be in labor, a hustler, or a business man, his desires to produce at the quality is only matched by those around him that want to experience it.
7 He has a backbone.
- Although it might seem like a hypocritical proposition because of the kind, considerate and accommodating disposition of a gentleman, he has a backbone. Having a backbone doesn’t mean you’re rude, insensitive or bossy. It just means that you have the ability to see in the long term, the path that needs to be taken to get there, and isn’t willing to be pulled from that mission. Enforcing boundaries that are in the best interest of his lady, children and himself is a consistent underlying focal point in which he will consistently exercise which makes it easier for those around him to navigate.
8 He has access to, and follows, his inner wisdom.
- He may call it God or the Divine Mind Within or insight or intuition or any other name, but a gentleman has cultivated it, has regular access to it, and minds what it tells him. He also realizes that within him and he utilizes it like an inexhaustible fountain. Having access to and following that inner wisdom provides him with a self confidence that creates reassurance in those around him. A typical saying would be, “I’m just not worried about it. If you work hard and do good things then good things will happen”. His personal reassurance coming from the fact that he knows he works hard and does the right things.
9 He knows who he is.
- Again I must reiterate that your occupation, financial status education or relationship status doesn’t dictate whether you are a gentleman. A true gentleman knows who he is as a gentleman. He understands his rarity and that he is both inspirational and aspirational to those around him. His ability to comprehend those and carry them with dignity. Knowing that everyone falls but not everyone gets up, and a gentleman always gets up, takes inventory, and learns from the experience. He knows he will fall and knows how to get up. He knows his strengths and plays to them and works diligently to improve on his weaknesses.
10 He’s fierce gladiator.
- How can we go through 1-9 and end up at he’s a fierce gladiator? Fierce not in the context of scary or dangerous and gladiator not in the context of a lawless thug. Instead this means he has the abilty when the situation requires it, to contront whatever needs to be confronted. A gentelman does not cower or shrink with fear ever, rather he walks through fear to protect. Gentlemen are not violent by nature, in fact they are quite the opposite. However their innate and exceptional loyalty and dedication to their family creates an intense strength that is impossible to fake.
We hope this helped. If you have additional questions or other ideas on how to tackle this subject, please leave your feedback below.
Jay! I’m diggin the new look of the website. I love this post because it reminds me of how much work I need to do. Sometimes we get complacent. Good work!
Dre thank you. I like the new design as well. And we all have work to do, so let’s get to it!
I am sharing this article with my girls. Well done.
Charice, thank you. Definitely something worth sharing.
This is so good thank you 🙂
Lisa, thank you. Glad you enjoyed.
My friend shared this with me and it blew me away. You can totally tell when there is a gentleman in the room. Finding them is a different story. Were are they hiding?
I’m lucky enough to have married a true gentleman!
A I read this, I felt a wave of encouragement in my efforts to teach my sons about how to be. I want to print this off and have my teenager read it. Thank you for taking time to write something so eloquent. I feel inspired to write what it means to be a lady. I will ponder on it and get back with you if I write it. Are you on twitter? I’d love to connect there. I’m @th_purpl_lady in case you’re interested.
What I want to be.
Look for a man, end up with a boy. Look for a gentleman you end up with a man. Look towards Jesus you might end up with a gentleman.
I am such an idiot, I had a gentleman and let him go for a boy:(!